All I ever try doing is to keep people around me, the close ones, happy by being the best of what I could be, and maybe it is not just chance that everyone I end up relying on has their own motives and excuses to take me down and ride me into the worst of my state of minds.
While there is a diaspora to which I am not able to cater to their expectations because these expectations are simply irrational; there also seems to be another diaspora which feels my expectations of them which are just at the edge of being trivial to be exaggerated and find it impossible to comply. Well, of course I will tend to think I am right they are wrong. But then it is not in vain to be conscious of my vain, that I have been right most of the times!
In the end, all this internal chaos is deteriorating me and I end up wasting myself! Sometimes I so wonder why do I crave to grow so dependent on these few and want to live relative to them. But then, it has its own grander ramifications which is the essence of life. The trouble is heralded when these rough patches become more frequent than the enticing green pastures! And I sometimes so get repelled by these and might end up being a hermit!
But then it is only verbose exaggeration of the confusion I am now deeply facing with. Nonetheless, things will get back to normal, and will become abnormal without me having played any part but only being a victim, and that is worrisome!
It has to do with the way I perceive others I think. Although I am not an outright altruist, I at least have the basic courtesy to anticipate the consequences I might be imposing on others, in most cases because of my actions, but sad as I know it to be, not many look at me that way 🙂
Well, it seems that I am nicer than them, but it seems to be costing me heavy!
PS: Another instance of me resorting to writing, seeking solace and in the end it makes me feel better.